You made me cry and you don't even care
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
