new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
and you fell through a lawn chair
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
