Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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