I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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