Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The beer is more important than you right now.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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