Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
