I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
