I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
