The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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