The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
