Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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