Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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