Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
