You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
