....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
