you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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