She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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