Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
then he tried to convert me to islam
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize