im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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