So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
