I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
