This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
