Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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