Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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