I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
How naked do you want me to be?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
