I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
