i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
