you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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