wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
