Michael Bay diarrhea
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
