Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
