My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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