Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
