When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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