Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
