Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
