I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
