i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
