How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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