mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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