and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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