i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
