Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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