So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
