When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The uberlube is also flammable
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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