he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
