i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
