Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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