i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
