I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
