why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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