Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
