I accidentally burped into my bong.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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