I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
