If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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