You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
