just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
