I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
