We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My dick has a subreddit
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
