forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
