Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize