Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You ruined the universe
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
