I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
