By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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