I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
